Thursday, March 31, 2016
I'm writing this post in hopes of letting something go so I can move forward in my acting. I have a confession; I'm afraid of getting an agent or a manager. Yep. I'm a weirdo. It's so hard for me to admit that, because it is a step in any actor's career that eventually becomes necessary in order to reach the next level. Getting representation is something every actor strives for, works for, and yearns for. It is a milestone that can open doors. And yet, I am afraid. And that fear is holding me back. What am I so scared of? I'm scared of someone else being in control. I'm scared of having a new relationship that I have to build. I do care deeply for people but I am not the best at actually nurishing my relationships. It's very easy for me to wrapped up in my own little world and I've mentioned before that I am very much an introvert. And in a professional relationship there are many do's and don'ts. (Btw, I hesitate to use the word "introvert" because it's the trendy thing nowadays but I fit the description in almost every sense. Also I'm glad there is now awareness for those who can relate.)
I'm also afraid because since I put my faith in God above all, I have many restrictions in regards to things I can do even though I'm "acting." Like, how can I meet with someone whom I want to represent me, and then say, "I won't do this, I won't do that, bla bla ba..." My fears have kept me from attending industry workshops or really trying to get representation. But I'm tired of this fear holding me back. I have to take risks and step out on faith. Good thing that I am weak but He is strong.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Had such a busy year last year and now I feel like I've hit a plateau and the next move is confusing in my mind. #thestruggleisreal
I seem to have lost most or all motivation to do anything acting related. (Including writing this blog......sorry for the long absence.) #thestruggleisreal
I feel like I'm always stuck. #thestruggleisreal
Goal deadlines come and go unmet causing feelings of depression. I'm hard on myself. #thestruggleisreal
Struggling with my belief/faith in God and His plan for my career. I know I cannot make it on my own. #thespiritualstruggleisreal
Seeing fellow actors reach milestones ahead of me isn't always easy. While I'm genuinely happy for them (each and every one of them deserve it,) I wish I could get there too.
Being size 6 when other actresses at my level are size 0-2. I run, but I also love to eat darn it. (And with these hips I'd be happy being a four.) #thedietstruggleisreal
Feeling like I suck and that I'm the worst actress in the world and feeling like I don't deserve success. #theconfidencestruggleisreal
Projects I work in get postponed and some may never get restarted. Which really stinks if I've fallen in love with my character and the script. #thestruggleisreal
Projects I work in get postponed and when they start up again my hair has to match each character. Like in one film my hair is much longer while in another it's short. What if we start filming again at same time? I really don't want to get recast. #thecontinuitystruggleisreal
People asking me why I haven't been in anything big or "where is the money?" Ummm hello! That's what I'm aiming for but it ain't that simple! #thepridestruggleisreal
Having to work extra hours to pay for things. Ugh. (Of course I'm very grateful I'm able to do this but sometimes, just, ugghh!!) Headshots and classes are expensive! And I still haven't been able to save that friggin' $3000.00 to join SAG though I've been eligible for years. I get close, but something always comes up and this year I am determined to not put anything on credit. #thefinancialstruggleisreal
Not having an agent yet. #therepresentationstruggleisreal
Not having booked my first national commercial or co-star role on a network tv show. #thestruggleisreal
Having to get up early when I want to sleep till noon!! #thenotamorningpersonstruggleisreal
Wanting to do fun things but then remember I need that money for all my actor things. #thestruggleisreal
Wanting to do fun things but then remember I have a shoot the next day and I need to look fresh. #theimnotaspringchickenanymorestrugglesisreal
Having to post updates and successes regularly on social media to show that I'm relevant since I'm not famous yet, but it still makes me squirm. #thedontwanttolooklikeanarcisiststruggleisreal
Feel like I'm less than because I don't aspire to be on Broadway. (Although my background is in theatre.) #theyourenotarealactorifyoudontdotheatrestruggleisreal
Feel like I'm less than because I'm not a triple threat. #thecompetitonstruggleisreal
Yet another anniversary approaches at my day job. While I'm proud of the company I work for, the goal is always to be able to make a living with acting only. #thedayjobstruggleisreal #8years
Not being an outgoing person yet having to build this business. #theintrovertstruggleisreal
I just want to be at home all the time; cozy, comfy, and cuddling with my husband and cat. #thehomebodystruggleisreal
So there you have it, the struggle is really real. And I feel as though it goes deeper than a struggle this time. I've had thoughts and feelings of giving up on my dream that I've never ever felt before. And this phase has lasted longer than it ever has. If you've read my posts you know I always end on a positive note or give myself a solution or goal to sort my issue. I don't have much to say this time but just know this...I wouldn't be writing this if I had given up. I wouldn't be getting new headshots this week if I had given up. And I for sure wouldn't be working extra hours at my day job to pay for a new acting class if I had given up. For awhile I'm gonna make smaller goals for myself each day so I don't get overwhelmed, depressed, or burnt out. Like for instance, my acting related goals for Monday were simply to start this article and share two posts on social media. I'm hoping that strategy will eventually bring me back up to full speed. What else can I do? I love acting.
But alas, I press on.